Nicole is doing a talk on Autism in her Biology class tomorrow. This is a personal topic to all of us. I just told her about how Jessica would have the worst temper tantrums when she was 3 years old. I would carry Nicole on my back in a carrier, and Jess would be in the shopping cart. Juergen worked over time for a start up company in Irvine. He was gone all the time, I had no friends because we had moved from San Diego. I felt like I was drowning. Jess was so badly behaved people would say to each other (just loud enough for me to hear) some people shouldn’t have children!!! We had no idea why she had lost all her language skills, and became a wild raging animal. We went from expert to expert. This was 1994 and they were not calling it autism. They had no answers and no hope. I would cry all the time. But my tears would scare Nicole so I had to control my tears. When Nicole took a nap I would cry so hard I would get up off the floor and left a puddle of tears. It was the darkest time of my life. I lived so close to UCLA, I could have had her in ground breaking therapy. But they did not call it Autism. We did not hear Autism until she was 8 years old. I always wonder what could have been if…I waited to have her vaccinated…if we just knew we were dealing with Autism. But you can not go back. Now is all we have. Today I love her even if she is sick. God will make her whole some day. It’s a very big loss, but I’ve run out of tears. Anyway, I’m proud Nicole will be doing this talk tomorrow. She understands her sister better.